Jokes section, may not be totally PC

Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in West Bromwich.
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
And none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

“Wedding Cake.”

This is not PC so if your offended ???
dont read it.

A Somali arrives in West Bromwich on the bus as a new immigrant to the UK.On his way to the job centre.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you
Mr englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food, free medical care, and free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Turk.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!”
The person says, “I not english, I from poland.”
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful UK!”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not english!”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you a british person?”
She says, “No, I am from Russia!”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the british?”

The Russian lady checks her watch and says…“Probably at work.”


From the narrative of that joke, it lLooks like they’re not all here taking all our jobs after all

A small duck goes into a general store and asks, “have you any grapes?” The storeman says no.
The next day, the duck is there again and asks, “have you any grapes?” The storeman again says no.
On the third day the duck goes into the store and again asks, “have you any grapes?” At this the storeman gets really angry and says, “you have come in here for three days in a row, asking for grapes, we don’t have any and if you ask again I will nail your webbed feet to the floor.”
On the fourth day, the duck comes in and asks, “have you any nails?” The storeman answers, no, then the duck says, “good, have you any grapes?”

Patient to doctor: "I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."Doctor: "How’s that?“Patient: Don’t you start.”

Patient to doctor: "I think I need psychiatry. People keep ignoring me."Doctor: “Next!”

Only the jobs you dont pay tax on

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, “Mom am I a real polar bear?” “Of course you are.” His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. “Dad, am I a real polar bear?” “Yes, you are a real polar bear.” A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?” “Yes” said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are all my relatives real polar bears?” “Yes, they are all real polar bears.” Said his parents. “Why do you ask?” replied his mother. “Because,” said the young polar bear, "I’m bloody freezing!


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would
use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Patrick decided he was going to leave his home in Cork and go to England to make his fortune. As he was leaving, his neighbour, Mrs Dunn, asked him to look out for her son Niel who had not written to her from England for a long time.
Patrick arrived at Heathrow, and went to freshen up. All the cubicles were taken, so he knocked on one door and asked
“Are you nearly done?”
“Yes” came the reply, “but there’s no paper.”

“That’s no excuse for not writing to your Ma”

What is the worst part of a "Heart and Lung Transplant?

Bringing up Somebody else’s Phlegm

A brain and a set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The brain says to the barman “Two pints of lager please mate”

Barman “No, I’m not serving you two. You will have to leave.”

“Why is that?” Says the brain.

Barman replies “You- you are out of your head. And your mate looks like he is going to start something!”

A motorway and a dual carriageway go into a bar, they are the best of mates as they are the king of roads. At the bar they notice a small piece of red pavement. Taking the opportunity they start to diss the pavement and when he goes to the loo the dual carriageway follows, to further the fun. He arrives back at the bar several minutes later looking totally wrecked and damaged. The motorway says, “what happened to you,” to which the dual carriageway replies, “don’t go near him, he’s a cycle path”.
The old ones are the best, (speaking from experience).

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who suffered from insomnia…

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog

Woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.

Midland Man’s Favourite pick up lines.
Sorry ladys but these are classic’s


  1. Did you fart?
    cuz you blew me away.


  2. Are your parents retarded?
    Because you sure are special.


  3. My Love for you is like diarrhea …
    I can’t hold it in.

  4. Do you have a library card?
    cuz I’d like to sign you out.


  5. Is there a mirror in yer pants?
    Because I can see myself in em.

  6. If you in I were Squirrels,
    I’d store my nuts inyer hole.

  7. You might not be the best lookin girl here,
    but beauty’s only a light switch away.

  8. Man - “Fat Penguin!”
    Woman - “WHAT?”
    Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the

  9. I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,
    but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

  10. I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
    I think he went into this cheap hotel room.

  11. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


  12. If you gonna regret this in the mornin, we can sleep till the afternoon.


  13. Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
    every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

If you know anymore feel free to add some more

Hey, I just noticed, there’s a link at the bottom of the page that says ‘printable version’. I just clicked on it and the screen went blank. It appears none of the above jokes are printable!

A family decide that their gran is a bit past her best and that a home would be the best bet. The daughter is a bit unhappy when they drop her off at the home so she says she’ll come back later and asks the nurse to look after the old lady. The nurse agrees and keeps checking on the old lady, after a while she notices the old lady is leaning over in her chair so she pops over and sits her upright again, so that she doesn’t fall out, and has a quick chat with her. About half an hour later she notices the old lady leaning over again so she sits her upright and has another chat. This goes on most of the day until the daughter comes back to see how her mum is settling in.

The daughter asks, ‘Hi Mum, how are you getting on?’. Her mum replies ‘Fine thanks dear, the people are very friendly but there is a slight problem’.’ What’s that Mum?’ asks the worried daughter.

‘They won’t let me fart’, says the old woman.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” s he responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m
sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this withyou.
I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba

Q: Why do farts smell?

Ans: For the benefit of the hard-of-hearing.

What’s worse than having a girl-guide in your pocket?

Ans: A Brownie in your underpants.

Paddy and Murphy went fly fishing…came back with a 9lb Bluebottle.