After being all of the above to my wife I don’t have time to drink.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The Silent Treatment<o:p></o:p>
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers cause it’s
sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own … so does she.
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
little to better position herself when the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. ‘Why are you stopping darling?’ she whispered.
He whispered back, ’ I found the remote
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. “Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two.”
“I agree,” says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
“Anything, Father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, Sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh Father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.”
“Is that true Father?”
“Yes, it is, Sister.”
“Oh Father, that’s wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let’s get
The hell out of here!”
Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Spot” I made
the mistake of calling mine “Sex”.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like
a license for Sex. He said “I’d like to have one too!” Then I
said “But this is for a dog.” He said “I don’t care what she
looks like.” Then I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex
since I was nine years old.” He said “You must have been quite a
kid.”
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. He
said that every room in the place was for sex. I said “You don’t
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said “Me
too.”
One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition
began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him
that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should
have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised
he called me a pervert.
I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him
up I said “I’ve come for my dog.” She said “Which one Spot or
Rover?” I said “What about Sex?” She slapped me. After I
straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good
for her. She slapped me again.
Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in
all the cages the operator came up to me. I said I’m looking for Sex.
He said I was looking in all the wrong places.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor I had Sex before I was
married.” He said “What’s your point, so did I.” I said “But my
wife wants to take Sex away.” He said “That’s what happens in a
divorce.”
Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all
over town. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing
in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said I was looking
for Sex… My case comes up Friday.
President George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and President Bush asks him his name?
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have 4 questions”
“First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?”
“Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?”
“Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
“Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don’t have Health Insurance?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, President Bush says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, Question time? Who has a question?”
Another little boy puts up his hand. The President points him out and asks his name.
“Johnnie,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Johnnie?” enquires the President.
“Actually Sir, I have 6 questions”
“First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?”
“Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?”
“Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
“Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don’t have Health Insurance?”
“Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?”
“And sixth, what happened to Stanley?!”
How the Fairy got onto the Christmas Tree!
One evening close to Christmas Santa was in a grumpy mood, he stomped into the front door and said to mummy Christmas “The very next person that ses to me …Merry Christmas Santa! I am gonna get that tree and stick it right up their Ar…!”
Right at that time the Christmas Fairy came in saying “Merry Christmas Santa!”
And that children is how the fairy got on the Christmas Tree!
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane…
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband “I must confess darling, I was a hooker!”.
He says “That’s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it”.
She replies “Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!”.
A pair of jumper cables go into a bar, the barman says " you can stay in as long as you don’t start anything" .
BOOM BOOM
A very sexist joke if I may say. I have met some very nice female hookers.
A very good friend of mine used to boast that she was a hooker at all her job interviews. She played for a ladies rugby team.
And she was not built like the proverbial brick you know what either.Brian UK2007-12-26 23:54:31
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.
A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don’t know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don’t even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home
I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6" and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
An apology is in order, so, please, forgive me. It was not until this morning on my ride to work that I fully understood I was in error.
Yes, I’ve noticed that there are many very busy and important people on the roads. You all are hard to miss with the cell phones, laptops, breakfast bars, coffee, cigarettes and all, but until now, I didn’t realize I was causing so much trouble for you busy, multitasking drivers.
I figured it out this morning, thanks to the nice lady working on the laptop who needed the lane I was in.
First, ma’am, let me say that when I honked at you from the shoulder, I didn’t mean to startle you. My intent was just to give you a little beep to let you know the lane was all yours. But I was braking so hard, I couldn’t lift my thumb off the horn button. My bad.
I surely didn’t mean to cause you to nearly hit the guy talking on the cell phone. You know, he was smoking and talking as he moved his SUV right into the space you had just left.
Anyway, the good news is, that’s when I realized all of you multitasking drivers must be texting each other about intended lane changes and running traffic lights and stop signs and such. I’m sorry - I’m still using old-fashioned blinkers. I didn’t realize you needed some time to e-notify that guy that you needed the lane back. I really messed it up for both of you!
I can only say that the guard rail was a little distracting, and I was only thinking about myself. I’ll try harder next time.
Like I said, I didn’t know that was how you multitasking drivers were communicating. It must have been in an e-mail, but my laptop fell off my tank and I haven’t replaced it.
However, I have a solution.
I know many of you are so busy and important that you have no choice - you have to eat, work, talk, read and do lots of other really important things as you drive.
Those of us who use the road only for traveling would be happy to stay out of your way; we just need to know you’re coming.
A little visual clue would help - I was thinking of a bumper sticker. That way, everyone could identify you as Drivers Utilizing Multiple Behaviors.
Of course, that’s a little long, so we’d cut it down to an acronym - DUMB.
If you’d place stickers on the front, back and maybe the sides of your car, the rest of us would know not to interfere with you on the road.
I think it’s such a good idea, I’ll pay for the bumper stickers and even put them on for you. Deal?
Again, I’m sorry I got in your way. I’ll try harder to see you coming from now on.
I promise!
Nigel
Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous… A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:
-
"Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
-
“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
-
“Can you hear me NOW?”
-
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
-
“You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
-
“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
-
“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
-
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
-
"If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
-
“Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
-
“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
-
“God, now I know why I am not gay.”
And the best one of all…
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
THE JAMACAIN HUNTERS
There are two Jamacian hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they’re at death’s door.
As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving
juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
“Hey, Jimbo” says the first hunter “Dat’s a bacon tree!!!
We’re saved!!!” “You’re right, !” says Henri. So Jimbo goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jimbo. “Jimbo!! Jimbo!! Are you allright mon”
With his dying breath Jacques calls out… "Ugh, run, , run!!
Dat’s not a Bacon Tree!"
“Dat’s…”
“Dat’s…”
You’re going to love this…
"Dat’s… a… Ham bush!!
A blonde and an Irish guy are in a bar when the blonde notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain’t being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it?'The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, ‘Well, I’m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot’‘Cor blimey’, exclaims the blonde, 'So THATS why me knickers ‘ave got C&A on them!’
Tommy Cooper jokes
1 . Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’ 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’ 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
- I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9… Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
-
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
-
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’ -
‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
‘Is it common?’
‘It’s not unusual.’ -
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really heavy’
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Don’t you start.’
-
Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
-
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
-
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’ -
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad,
Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. -
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’
-
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-
‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
-
A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’ -
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night