Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
241

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,

"Ya now sumptin’ womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station…

  Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
  Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
  Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

“From now on womon, when I say, ‘Bell one’ I want you to strip naked.When I say, ‘Bell two’ you jump on de bed.
When I say, ’ Bell three’ we’s gonna mek luv all tru de night girl.”

The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
“Bell Two” and she jumped on the bed!
“Bell Three” and they started to make luv!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, “Bell Four”
“WOMON … What de hell is Bell Four’?” he asked.

She replied, “ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAN, YOU AIN’T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE”

242

Ok i know its a video.
But its very funny.
Just look at the womens face.
My Link

tone
tonewuk2007-11-18 23:33:42

243


A lady walks into a Land Rover dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect 4 x 4. - a Range Rover Sport and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes
her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up
right now. As she turns around, there standing next to her is a
salesman. “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Very
uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, if you farted by just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price!”

244

Brilliant. It’s the look of admiration rather than horror that I liked.

245

A recent survey in England asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% :E9G/ 'D#EF 'D9’DEJ (H’4F7

246

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4y-waHLz-TU


Tone, you’ll love this one.

Nigel

247


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”

The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No pooh!!” says the man, “Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?!”
.

248

Nigel that u-tube link is sooooo funny Achmed is a hoot

249

“I’m not dead!!”



“Is only a flesh wound!”

Nigel

250

“SILENCE… I KILL YOU ALL!”

251

The Times recently asked people to come up with an idea for a motto of Britain using five words or less, along the lines of Gordon Brown recent ideas of Britishness. However, most of the suggestions have been somewhat less that serious.
Whilst some entries have been serious, such as, “Courage, reason, humanity, democracy, monarchy” and “I respect who you are”, most were not so sensible. Below is a list of some of the ideas given by people who commented on The Times blog.

  • “Dipso, Fatso, Bingo, Asbo, Tesco.”
  • “Stubborn to the point of greatness.”
  • “Promoting historical unity myths since 1066.”
  • “Britain is dead. Long live England.”
  • “Once mighty empire, slightly used.”
  • “Going down with Brown.”
  • “At least we’re not American.”
  • “At least we’re not France.”
  • “Yeah, but no, but yeah.”
  • “Let’s discuss it down the pub.”
  • “Britain; Live wrong and prosper!”
  • “Land of yobs and morons.”
  • “National mottos are for wimps.”
  • “Robbin’ hoodie & Jade Goody”.

Any other suggestions?

Nigel

252

A old but good one.

After a week of working away in Walsall. He arrives back home in West Brom, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a west Bromwich private doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: ‘I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Walsall VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it’.

The man looks a little perplexed and says: ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc’.

The doctor answers: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis’.

The man screams in horror,
Absolutely not! I want a second opinion’.

The doctor replies: ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice’.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese herbal doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: ‘Ah, yes, Walsall VD. Vely lare disease’.

The guy says to the doctor: ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My West Bromwich doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: ‘Stupid wet brom docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!’

‘Oh, Thank God!’, the man replies.

‘Yes’, says the Chinese doctor, ‘You no worry!
Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.’

253

DARWIN AWARD: ZAP!Never read the safety instructons

(2003, California) John, a real estate attorney, was skimming leaves
from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught in the power lines.
Years of education equipped John with enough reasoning power to
become a successful litigator. Yet his education did not equip him
with sufficient acumen to avoid becoming a toasty critter, when he
reached up with the long metal pole and poked at the palm frond.
John was, for once, the path of least resistance.

His family, perhaps as an homage to his litigation skills, sued
both the utility company and the pool supply store, which failed
to disclose the danger of using the pool skimmer on power lines.

254

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking…

Scared the crap out of me.

So that’s it!

After today, no more reading…

255

Darwin award 2

2007, Ontario, Canada || My friend’s daughter is a plastic surgeon
with expertise in reconstructive surgery. Recently a patient was
rushed into the hospital, needing a surgeon to reattach the tips
of his fingers to his left hand.

While taking the patient history, it was found that this bright chap
got the idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it
to his hedge. He was holding the mower deck, trimming the hedge,
and things went well until the weight of the mower got to be
a bit much. He readjusted his grip on the mower deck, and
that was when the blade bit him.

When my friend’s daughter was almost finished with the complex job
of sewing this patient back together, another patient came in with
the same injury! On investigation, it was found that he, too,
had been using his mower to trim his hedge. Apparently this man
was a neighbor of the first patient. He watched his neighbor
trim his hedge, and thought it was a bright idea.

256

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The
night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only
to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t
on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or
harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and
wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
to the other, “Look Paddy, there’s that f …king idiot that got in the
car while we were pushing it!!!”.

257

INDIAN WINTER

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN’T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED,

“IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?”

“IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD,” THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TO LD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. “DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?”

“YES,” THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, “IT’S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER.”

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN.

“ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?”

“ABSOLUTELY,” THE MAN REPLIED. “IT’S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE’VE EVER SEEN.”

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?” THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY

258

How to Make a Woman Happy

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

  1. a friend
  2. a companion
  3. a lover
  4. a brother
  5. a father
  6. a master
  7. a chef
  8. an electrician
  9. a carpenter
  10. a plumber
  11. a mechanic
  12. a decorator
  13. a stylist
  14. a sexologist
  15. a gynecologist
  16. a psychologist
  17. a pest exterminator
  18. a psychiatrist
  19. a healer
  20. a good listener
  21. an organizer
  22. a good father
  23. very clean
  24. sympathetic
  25. athletic
  26. warm
  27. attentive
  28. gallant
  29. intelligent
  30. funny
  31. creative
  32. tender
  33. strong
  34. understanding
  35. tolerant
  36. prudent
  37. ambitious
  38. capable
  39. courageous
  40. determined
  41. true
  42. dependable
  43. passionate
  44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

  1. give her compliments regularly
  2. love shopping
  3. be honest
  4. be very rich
  5. not stress her out
  6. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

  1. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
  2. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
  3. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

  1. Never to forget:
  • birthdays
  • anniversaries
  • arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

  1. Show up naked

  2. Bring food

…and people wonder why men and women are so different.

259

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my
little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?”

The woman gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed,
she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her
face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, “clumsy bitch”.

260

According to this no-one is the least bit interested in alcohol i.e

woman

7a) be a highly attentive wine waiter.

man

1a) bring beer (and I’ll even forgive you if you forget item 2)

so you must be mixing with a very strange crowd.

Nigel