Jokes section, may not be totally PC

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221

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

Th e tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”

222

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice ‘chick’ he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.


His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’ Then she asked,’ Did you dance much?’ He replied, I’ll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, ‘Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life’.

223

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”


On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

“Invite us to your next blowout.”


On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”


Sign at a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”


In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”


On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels


At a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit please back in.”


At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”


Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.”


In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Wits

224

Black Box

The English Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with auto makers for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in all vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in almost all areas of England, the last words of driver in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, F**K!”

Only in Scotland was it different, where 89.3% of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”

225

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theatre.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen 'em all.”

“I thought so,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

226

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man “You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?”

In fact, I do," said the old man. “After I have sex I am usually cold
and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know
why?”

Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. “That’s because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August.”

227

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He
thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you’re calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel
and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her… you know the
kind. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

“Hello?” the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag
of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?”

She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9”

228

Remember Rainbow?

229

Suicide Bomber (caution, may offend)

This might offend you!!

YOU HAVE BEEN “WARNED”

( Is very funny )
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/876512/jeff_dunham_dead_terrorist_pt_2/
Witswits2007-11-08 17:42:19

230

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

  1. You’re guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

  2. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

  4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

  5. It’s okay if the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
    because you actually are.

  6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

  7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

  8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

  9. There’s a lot less guilt the morning after.

  10. You can do the whole neighborhood.

231

UK chooses ‘most ludicrous laws’
A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK’s most ludicrous piece of legislation.
Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold.

The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.

The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules.

A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down.

In third place, with 6%, came a law stating that only a clerk in a tropical fish store has permission to be topless in public in Liverpool.

Driving blindfolded

Other lesser-known laws making the top 10 included one banning eating mince pies on Christmas Day and another stating it is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

Almost half of those asked confessed to breaking the mince pie law, which was brought in by Oliver Cromwell in the 17th Century.

The unusual international laws on the list included legislation against naming a pig Napoleon in France, driving while wearing a blindfold in Alabama and unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday.

The Law Society last year revealed other bizarre UK laws still in existence on the statute book.

They included a ban on firing a cannon close to a dwelling house (Met Police Act 1839); a ban on the use of any slide upon ice or snow (Town Police Clauses Act 1847); and the prohibition of driving cattle through the streets of London (Metropolitan Streets Act 1867).

Dead whales

The UK’s top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:

\

  1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)

  2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down (7%)

  3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)

  4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned(5%)

  5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)

  6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (4%)

  7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)

  8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)

  9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour

  10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)
    False teeth

The top 10 bizarre foreign laws as voted by those polled:

\

  1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk (9%)

  2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation (8%)

  3. A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror (7%)

  4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm (6%)

  5. It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama (6%)

  6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed (6%)

  7. Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth (6%)

  8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits (5%)

  9. There is no age of consent in Japan (5%)

  10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon (4%)

232

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.” Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.” The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.” The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire .” And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!” The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.

233

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, What was her maiden name?”

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

“Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

The father replied. “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine”

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

“I don’t like the looks of your wife at all,”

“Me neither, Doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Two Reason! s Why It 's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

  1. All the DNA is the same.

  2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?”

The agent replies, “Just a minute…”

“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied

“A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”

The young woman looks him over and replies,

“Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”

Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”

Joe: “Really?”

Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, “I did that by accident.”

She replied, “I know that, Grandpa.”

He replied, “How did you know?”

She said, "Because you didn’t say “a**hole” afterwards.

234

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things

are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 Year-old bride

who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I

have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never

misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a

bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of

his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male; beaver

sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and

so couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised

his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting

rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.


Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,

what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a

couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, “My point exactly”.

235

A new Council tax re-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live
in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in
rough areas.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by
an old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but
the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is notorious for racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son’s
girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in
nightclubs. They are out of control.

Honestly…Who’d live near Windsor Castle?

236
237

"One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.”

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.

They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The doctor’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, “Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is” Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even"

Wits

238

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him “Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
HAD BETTER BE THERE.”


The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.
She opened it and found brand new bathroom scales




Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

239

Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:50 pm Post subject: A woman was shopping






A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,“You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you
know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cos you’re ugly.”

240

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London … I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too - I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.