Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
201

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping
unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t
care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor
says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an
18-year-old.”





The husband replies, “What did he say about your 42-year old
bottom?”

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

WOMAN 1 - MAN 0

202

A man and a woman were
driving down the road, arguing about his

deplorable infidelity
… when suddenly the woman reached over and

sliced the man’s penis
off.

Angrily, she tossed it
out the car window.

Driving behind the
couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.

The little girl was
chatting away at her father when all of a sudden

the penis smacked their
car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then

flew
off.

Surprised, the daughter
asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was

that?"

Shocked, but not
wanting to expose his little girl to anything

sexual at such a young
age the father replied, “It was just a bug, Honey,”

The daughter sat with a
confused look on her face, and after a

momentsaid,

“Sure had a big dick on
it, didn’t it?”

203

Nice joke, but well over spaced.

204

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q… Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan…)

PS. Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says . . . “He-brews”

205

I was in a cemetery the other day and I saw four men carrying a coffin.
Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin.

I thought to myself they’ve lost the plot

206

Need advice!!
I was in a pub the other day, some bloke offered me 8 venison legs for 50 quid. Is that to deer?

207

Yes, just some guy trying to make a quick buck. I hope you didn’t give him the doe.

208

Recently, a woman was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my flower tubs. As I turn on the hose I look over at my
car and decide it needs washing.

I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch
table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the
table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish
first.

But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the
rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque
left.

My extra cheques are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it
cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the window
ledge catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Coke on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I’ve
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I’m going t o
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the
remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set
the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  • The tubs aren’t watered;

  • The car isn’t washed;

  • The bills aren’t paid;

  • There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge;

  • The flowers don’t have enough water;

  • There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;

  • I can’t find the remote;

  • I can’t find my glasses;

  • I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled
because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t
remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

209

I’m really annoyed. I spent £60 on a new computer game and it keeps crashing.

That Colin McRae helicopter simulator is a load of pants!

210

Subject: Guinness Book of Records 2007 (Female Version). Apologies to the ladies.


Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.


Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch ‘The Ipcress File’. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking “Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?” revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins48 secs of ‘633 Squadron’ before asking “Is this a war film?”


Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.


Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard’s window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.


Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford,West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in Blackburn,Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she’d left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs.Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick’s affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.


Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994,Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.


Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of
Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she’d had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

da pizzi2007-09-24 12:54:16

211

A newspaper opened an advice column called “Dear Walter”, since they
were not able to find a female columnist and advisor similar to the
late, but still beloved, Abby (Dear Abby). Here is what happened:


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more

than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and
the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s
help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in
front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel
shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we
have been married for twelve years.



When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked
him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he’d been
wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?


Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

212

Whores and Football Players:

A man in a West Bromwich Aldi supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The
boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ‘Some -profanity- wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?’

‘Walsall , sir,’ the boy replied.

‘Well, why did you leave Walsall ?’ the manager asked.

The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players over there.’

‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Walsall .’

‘Really?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’

213 
1.. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


2.. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?


3.. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


4.. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?


5.. So what's the speed of dark?


6.. Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?


7.. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?


8.. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.


9.. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?


10.. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?


11.. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £4.95 per minute.


12.. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?


13.. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?


14.. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?


15.. How come abbreviated is such a long word?


16.. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?


17.. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?


18.. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?


19.. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?


20.. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?


21.. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?


22.. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?


23.. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?


24.. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?


25.. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!


26.. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?


27.. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?


28.. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?


29.. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


30.. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?


31.. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.


32.. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


33.. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?


34.. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?


35.. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


36.. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?


37.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


38.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


39.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?


40.. Do married people live longer than single people,
214

Who’s the Boss!





All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
They were trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain ,

“Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood ,

“Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,"

Because I process food and give all of you energy."

“I should be in charge,” said the legs ,

“because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes,

“Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the! rectum
“Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the

rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge !!

If you don’t send this to at least 1 person no one will give a poop

215

Why is Superman Indian?

Where else can a man run faster than a speeding train?

216

To save on Gas, Pavarotti is beng cremated in a Microwave.

As they say in the world of Opera, the show’s not over 'till the fat bloke pings!

217

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN’T:

  1. I need to whip it out by 5.

  2. Mind if I use your laptop?

  3. Just stick it in my box.

  4. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

  5. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

  6. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid.

  7. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

  8. It’s an entry-level position.

  9. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in the office

But isn’t:

  1. It’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!



    TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN’T:

  2. Have you looked through her briefs?

  3. He is one hard judge

  4. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

  5. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

  6. Is it a penal offence?

  7. Better leave the handcuffs on.

  8. For £200 an hour, she better be good!

  9. Can you get him to drop his suit?

  10. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn’t:

  1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN’T:

  1. Damn, my shaft is bent.

  2. After 18 holes, I can barely walk

  3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

  4. Look at the size of his putter!

  5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

  6. Mind if I join your threesome?

  7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

  8. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

  9. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn’t:

  1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first
218

  1. Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

  2. Phone answering machine message - "…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…

  3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.

  4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any

  5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.

  6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

  7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, "I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.

  8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

  9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

  10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

  12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

  13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”.

  14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

  15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

  16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

  18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

  19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat ba*tard!”

  20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

  22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

  23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!

Wits
wits2007-10-11 23:28:30

219

50 Fun things to do in a lift

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’'re on rough seas.
  7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: “Got enough air in there?”
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, “Admiral”.
  14. One word: Flatulence!
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
  16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now. beep motion sickness!”
  19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
  20. Meow occasionally.
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”
  23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  24. Sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
  25. Holler, “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
  26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  28. Burp, and then say “Mmmm…tasty!”
  29. Leave a box between the doors.
  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
  32. Start a sing-along.
  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
  34. Play the harmonica.
  35. Shadow box.
  36. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.
  37. Lean against the button panel.
  38. Say, “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.
  41. Bring a chair along.
  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
  43. Blow spit bubbles.
  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
    Wits
220

Excellent! Hence the expression ‘As welcome as a fart in a lift’!