A Jellybaby went to the STD clinic because his willy was covered in coconut and liquorice.
The Doc said "What on earth have you been up to?
Jellybaby replied "f*cking allsorts!!!
Wits
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " Iclocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhapsyour radar gun needs calibrating."Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now donât be sillydear, you know that this car doesnât have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wifeand growls, "Canât you please keep your mouth shut for once?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did."As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radardetector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenchedteeth, "Damn it, woman, canât you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that youâre not wearing yourseat belt, sir. Thatâs an automatic fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took itoff when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of myback pocket."The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didnât have yourseat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youâre driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driverturns to his wife and barks, "WHY DONâT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, âDoes your husband alwaystalk to you this way, Maâam?â(I love this partâŚ)âOnly when heâs been drinking.â
robgleave2007-08-09 06:06:18
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, âIs your date running late?â âNo,â he Replies, âQ has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.â
The intrigued woman says, âA state-of-the-art watch? Whatâs so special about it?â
Bond explains, âIt uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.â
The lady says, âWhatâs it telling you now?â
âWell, it says youâre not wearing any knickersâŚâ The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, âBloody thingâs an hour fast.â
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
- The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs donât hate it.
- Dogs donât notice if you call them by another dogâs name.
- Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
- A dogâs parents never visit.
- Dogs do not hate their bodies.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
cross. - Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk. - Dogs seldom outlive you.
- Dogs canât talk.
- You never have to wait for a dog; theyâre ready to go 24 hours a
day. - Dogs find you amusing when youâre drunk.
- Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
- Another man will seldom steal your dog.
- A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, âIf I died, would you
get another dog?â - If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away. - A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert. - A dog wonât hold out on you to get a new car.
- If a dog smells another dog on you, they donât get mad. They just
think itâs interesting. - On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
- Dogs donât let magazine articles guide their lives.
- When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
- Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
- Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdaleâs or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least: - If a dog leaves, it wonât take half of your stuff.
The PhotographerThe Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father wasto arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, âIâm off. The man should be here soonâ.Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. âGood morning madam. Iâvecome toâŚââOh, no need to explain. Iâve been expecting you,â Mrs. Smith cut in." âReally?â the photographer asked. "Well, well! Iâve made a specialty ofbabies."Thatâs what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.âAfter a moment she asked, blushing, âWell, where do we start?ââLeave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room flooris fun too âŚyou can really spread out!ââBathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didnât work for Harry and me.ââWell, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,Iâm sure youâll be pleased with the results.ââMy, my, thatâs a lot of âŚ!â gasped Mrs. Smith.âMadam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. Iâd love to be in and out in five minutes, but youâd be disappointed with that, Iâmsure.ââDonât I know it,â Mrs. Smith muttered.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. âThis was done on the top of a bus.ââOh my god!!â Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.ââŹÂAnd these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.ââShe was difficult?â asked Mrs. Smith.âYes, Iâm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushingto get a good look.ââFour and five deep?â asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.âYesâ, the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I justpacked it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. âYou mean they actually chewed on your umâŚequipment?ââThatâs right. Well, madam, if youâre ready, Iâll set up my tripod so that we can get to workâ"Tripod??âOh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. Itâs much too big for me to hold very long.Madam? Madam?..Good Lord, sheâs fainted!!â The end!!!
A bloke down the pub just offered me 8 legs of venison for ĂÂŁ50., is that too dearâŚ
[QUOTE=Bagwan] A bloke down the pub just offered me 8 legs of venison for ĂÂŁ50., is that too dearâŚ[/QUOTE]if it had been 8 legs of lamb would that had been too cheap ? ( or two sheep)northwest2007-08-17 20:24:09
A father, passing by his sonâs bedroom, was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow
that was addressed to: âDadâ.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that Iâm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But itâs not only the passionâŚDad
sheâs pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy Has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesnât really hurt anyone. Weâll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we
will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Donât worry Dad. Iâm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday Iâm sure
That we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. Iâm over at Tommyâs house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card thatâs in my center desk drawer. Call me when itâs safe to come home.
Scouse vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldnât buy them a bigger bed and they werenât strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didnât want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, âI may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I donât see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.â
âTrust me, it will do the jobâ, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: â1, 2, 3, 4, 5,â at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Manchester , Glasgow , parts of Birmingham and anywhere in Wales .
There is a medical distinction.
Weâve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: âAre you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?â
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: âYouâre next.â
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
DO YOU F@RT IN BED?
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBANDâS HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDNâ T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOODâŚ
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE
BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, âHONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.â âALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDNâT LISTEN TO YOUâ.
âWHAT DO YOU MEAN?â ASKED HIS WIFE.
âWELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.â
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
\
What does a 90 year old woman have in her knickers, that a nineteen year old woman doesnât?
Answer:
Her tits!
I forgot if any needs to track a mobile phone
Click here
Track your partner.com
Very useful
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, âHow is our little tribal experiment coming along?â
âWell, it looks like weâre about half way there,â he replied.
âWow, you mean itâs grown to 12 inches?â
"No, itâs turned black.
Bloke goes to the doctor, as he has 8 holes along his penis, plus the usual one at the end.
âCan you help me, Doc? Cos when I go for a pee in the gents, I spray all around me, soak other people, and get beaten up!?â
âHere is the card of a friend of mineâ, says the Doctor.
âGreat!â says the bloke. " Is he a surgeon?"
âNo.â says the Doctor. âHe plays the flute - at the very least he can teach you how to hold it properly.â hook-nose hicks2007-09-04 20:45:51
What do you call a couple who go fishing?
Rod and Annette.
A mother cleaning her sonâs room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
âWell?â his wife asks. âWhat do you think we should do?â
âIâm not sure,â the father replies. âBut we certainly shouldnât spank him.â
âHit meâ said the masochist.
âNo!â said the sadist.
whatâs black, white and brown and rustles in a hedge bottom?
A nun with a monk on!
Whatâs the difference betweenâŚa goldfish âŚand âŚa mountain Goat?
The Goldfish Mucks about the fountain!
And the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated Owl?
The marksman shoots but canât hit!