Two snowmen talking,- one says “can you smell carrots”?
No, but I can see coal.
“Old fashioned miners joke”.
Did you hear about the blind bloke who bled to death reading a cheese-grater?
MUM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished
cleaning”
MUM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
" you better pray that will come out of the carpet "
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
" if you don’t clean up , I’ll knock you into the middle of next week "
MUM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
" because I said so , that’s why "
MUM TAUGHT ME IRONY
" keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about "
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENTIFIC PRINCIPLE OF OSMOSIS
"shut your mouth and eat your dinner "
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
" will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"you’ll sit there until all your tea is gone "
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
“it looks like a tornado went through your room !”
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
“if I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times – don’t
exaggerate!”
MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
“stop acting like your father !”
AND MOST OF ALL ----- MUM TAUGHT ME " THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "
I brought you into this world , and I can take you out "
RULES OF MANHOOD
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse for you.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag party may be legally beaten by his buddies.
4: The only instance when it’s appropriate for one man to kiss another is when you’ve just ordered that he be killed.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the balls.
13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’ So I took her bike.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept Golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with Him.”
He said, “Hello, George! What’s wrong with that group ahead of us?
They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind
fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “What a pity. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “I’m going to contact an ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “Can I add some complicating features?”
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
You left off
If you fall off that bike and break your leg, don’t come running to me.
Mum taught me patience,
“Wait till your father gets home”.
2 nuns in the bath
1st nun - where’s the soap ?
2nd nun- yes, doesn’t it…
Joe is sat at the bar when a bit disheveled bloke comes in.
Bloke goes to bar and orders a pint.
Joe asks bloke if he’s all right and bloke replies.
“There’s this woman in his car and she’s insatiable. I just can’t keep up with her.â€
“Oh! That’s a shame†says Joe.
Man say’s to Joe “While I have my pint why don’t you go and see if you can satisfy her, she’s in my car at the back of the pub.â€
Joe thinks for a minute and decides why not.
So out he goes and finds the car. Opens the back door and there’s the lady, naked and waiting.
Joe gets on with it but after a few minutes there is a knock on the window.
Joe winds down the window and sees a policeman, who is shining a torch on them.
“What’s going on then†asks the policeman.
Joe says†I am just making love to my wifeâ€
Oh! I didn’t realise it was your wife sir†says policeman.
No neither did I until you shined your light on us†says Joe.
Polar bear goes into a pub, “I’d like a pint of …Ringwood Bitter”
“Why the big pause?”, says the barman. “Guess I was born with them”, says the bear.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint…what makes 100%?
What does it mean to give more that 100%?
We have all been in those meetings where someone wants
us to give over 100% efforts.
There is an easy mathematical formula to answer these questions:
Assuming-
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Are represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+15+18+11= 98%
AND
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%
BUT
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close
And
Attitude will get you there
It’s Bullpooh and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top!
Man comes home absolutely off his face and staggers up to bed. In the (late) morning he is woken by an awful stench, blunders downstairs to find his wife in the kitchen with a sizzling frying pan containing one of his socks. “What are you doing”, he cries, “what you told me to do last night” she says, “what was that?”, he asks, “cook my sock” she replies.
so whats the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
The marksman shoots but can’t hit
or the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
The goldfish mucks about the fountain!
Henry was in bed when in walked his wife.
All done up and with no clothes on.
She said†Darling which do you think is the best,
my beautiful face or my sexy body?
Henry looked and thought for a second.
“Oh that’s easy dear, your sense of humour!â€
Two flies walking up a mirror.
One said to the other ‘Your man’s undone!’
An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a new born baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
“So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, 'You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”
The local ice-cream vendor was found lying in his ice-ream van, on the floor, covered in hundreds and thousands, and chopped nuts. Police later announced that he had topped himself.
SCAM WARNING
When packing your car at Asda you may be approached by 2 fit 20year old girls.
They wash your windscreen & ask for a lift to the next shop as payment.
On the way 1 climbs in the front and gives you a bl#* job while the other nicks your wallet.
I had mine stolen last Thursday , twice on Friday and again on Saturday…