Poor woman
Aussie lad driving over sydney bridge sees his girlfriend ready to jump off so he pulls over and says âchrist Sheila, what you think your doing?â. She says âyou got me pregnant and now iâm gonna kill myselfâ. He says "jeez, not only are you a good f@#* but your a good sport too.
Definition of Ausstralian foreplay?
âBrace yerself, Sheila!!â
8 Foreign Doctors, Three bombs, no deaths!!
Harold Shipman: one syringe, 300 dead.
Makes you proud to be british!!
Wits
A West Bromwich couple, both bonified
Black country, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the
husband âfixedâ.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them
what finally made them make the decision - why after nine children,
would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in the Express And Star that one out of every ten children being born in the United Kindom was a Asian, and they didnât want to take a chance on having a Asian baby
Because neither of them could speak Hindi.
The Plus Sign.
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everythingâŚtutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, they did everything they could think of to help his math.
In a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came
home with a very serious look on his face. He didnât even kiss his
Mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and
little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called
him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard
as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the
mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid
It on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little
Zachary got an âAâ in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, âSon, what was it? Was it the nuns?â
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. âWell, then,â
she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? âWHAT WAS IT?â
Little Zachary looked at her and said, âWell, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
werenât fooling around.â
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,
âMonsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.â
(and you thought I didnât have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.)
Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse."
Isnât that the description of French sailors trousers? Toulon and Toulouse.
Two cannibals eating a clownâŚone looks up and says to the other âDoes this taste funny to you?â
A group of cannibals went to a large corporation to get work. They spoke to the head of personnel (now called Human Resources) who agreed to employ them provided that they promised not to eat anyone. This they did, so they started work.
Six months went by, and all was well, but then they were all called to see the HR person, who told them that one of the secretaries had dissapeared, and was it anything to do with the cannibals? Of course they denied everything, and eventually the HR person was satisfied and left.
Immediately the head cannibal stood up and demanded to know who had done this. Eventually a sheepish hand went up at the back. The head cannibal was beside himself with anger.
"For 6 months now we have been eating managers, and no-one has noticed, then YOU have to go and eat a secretary!"Brian UK2007-07-10 00:27:17
A canibal and his teenage son went out to get some food. Theyâve been walking for two days when they come accross a very old man.
The boy exclaims joyously, âDad, hereâs an old man, letâs kill him and take him home to Mum, to eat.â
Dad replies, " No, son. We wonât kill him. Old men are stringy and tough and they smell and taste odd, letâs keep going." So they did.
A day later they come accross a fat old woman and the boy asks, âDad, here is an old woman let, kill her and take her home to Mum. I want to eat Iâm hungry.â
Dad replies, âNo, son. We wonât kill her. Fat old women are tough and give you indigestion. Letâs keep going.â
Another day goes by and they come accross a young attractive female. The boy says, " Dad, this woman is young and surely tastey. Letâs kill her and take her home to Mum, to eat."
Dad replies, âNo, son. We wonât kill her.â
The son protests, âBut Dad I am starving and canât walk another day.â
Dad answers, âI tell you what weâll do. We take her home all right, but we eat mum.â
Why does Quasimodo own a wok?
Soâs he can iron his shirts!
One of them new Skodasâ just crashed into my car. You should see the mess,- jam and sponge all over the placeâŚ
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.
Man says: âThis is the pig I have sex with when youâve got a
headache.â
Wife replies: âI think youâll find that is a sheep.â
Man replies: âI think youâll find I was talking to the sheep.â
wits
Two goldfish in a tankâŚone days to the other âHow the hell do you drive this thing?â
Two parrots on a perch
One says to the otherâŚcan you smell fish!!
witswits2007-07-17 22:36:43
Youâll hve to speak upâŚIâm hard of herring!
Weâve done that, HN, you bloater.
Itâs all about timing. Duffo2007-07-18 19:50:51
OhâŚsorry. No need to carp on, though! Are you calling me fat?
Did you hear about the Irish Nurse who thought a cubicle was a square testicle?