Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
121

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,”
He says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, And
she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 75 mph. He pushes his luck. “I want the
house,” he says insistently.

Up to 80 “I want the car, too,” he continues.

85 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.
“Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. “The airbag.”

122

That’s not a joke, that’s real life.

123

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and
the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We
come in peace. Take us to your leader.’

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien
became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, ‘I’d
calm down if I were you.’

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to
be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.

We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!’

The older alien warned his comrade saying, ‘You don’t want to
do that! I don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon
at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his
feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards
away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,
he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and
looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his big, green head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can
wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.’

124

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”
Dorothy responded, “If we’re being honest with each other, here goes .
.
…
. . . I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”

125

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

126

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not
in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
In front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room,

“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16.
Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies. The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”…

She placed her chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years?”…

"I remember that too"she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have
gotten out today.”

127

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”.

Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”
Wife replies,” No, It means ,
“With Idiot For Ever !!!”

Three Feelings:
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Teacher: “u know the importance of period?”
Kid: “Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our school driver ran away”.

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, “All these kids are yours?”
“No, Madam, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints”.

Son asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says," you are my son, I’m confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential!"

128

Kev walks into a bar & sees his mate Bob sitting there drownin his sorrows in a beer. “What’s up mate?”
Kev asks. “Me girlfriend died a week ago.” Says Bob. “pooh that’s terrible!” says Kev,
“yeah” says Bob, ” the sex is still good, but the bloody dishes are pilin up.”

129

The efficiency expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
“You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten…”

130

My son wanted this one put on!! (Zippy Bubbletush)
The following in an excerpt from a children’s book, “Captain
Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” by
Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names…


Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup
d = gadget e = crusty f = greasy
g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim
j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie
m = pinky n = zippy o = goober
p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy
s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey
v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper
y = dinky z = zsa-zsa


Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet c = giggle
d = burger e = girdle f = barf
g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie
j = monkey k = potty l = liver
m = banana n = rhino o = bubble
p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard
s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken
v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu
y = gorilla z = stinker


Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth c = face
d = nose e = tush f = breath
g = pants h = shorts i = lips
j = honker k = butt l = brain
m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney
p = biscuits q = toes r = buns
s = beep t = sniffer u = sprinkles
v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice


Have fun from Pinky Bubbletush (aka Wits)

wits2007-06-28 22:19:04

131

Laughter is contagious

Sorry this cracked my up!!
http://www.glumbert.com/media/laugh

Wits

132

Laughter can be contagious, but everyone has a different sense of humour.
When I was at skool, many years ago now, it was just before I left actually. All the exams were over, so for a bit of recreation the headmaster played us the Bricklayers mate story by Hoffnung.
Out of a class of about 30, 29 were rolling on the floor by the end, but one lad was just sitting there wondering what everyone was laughing at.

Of course, if you have not been enlightened by Gerard Hoffnung’s offering to the Oxford Union then you won’t understand this.

133

Zippy Chickenface

134

It don’t take much to keep the kiddies amused do it?
Zippy Gizzard-lips

135

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a biker and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment, chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.”

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor.

He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the biker and asks, “Can you top that?”



He replies, “No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way.”

1 Like
136

After a night of drinking, Phil crept into bed beside
his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell
asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?”, demanded Phil, “and what are you doing
in my bedroom?”
The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St
Peter”.
Phil was stunned. “You mean I’m dead? That can’t be, I have so much to
live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back
straight away.”
St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
Phil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad,”
he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you’re the new hen. How
are you enjoying your first day here?
“It’s not so bad,” replied Phil, “but I have this strange
feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve
never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” replied Phil.
“Well, just relax and let it happen.” And so he did, and after a few
uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense
feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he
experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he
knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to
him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

“Phil! Wake up, you drunk b@stard, you’re sh1tting the bed.”

1 Like
137

Now THAT was a good’un!

138

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.“So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!“Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
\n \u003cbr>\n Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this\n floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.\n Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.\u003cbr>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003c/b>\u003cfont size\u003d"1” color\u003d"red” face\u003d"Arial”>\u003cspan style\u003d"font-size:8.0pt;font-family:Arial;color:red”>\u003cbr>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003cb>\u003cfont size\u003d"1" color\u003d"red" face\u003d"Verdana">\u003cspan style\u003d"font-size:8.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:red;font-weight:bold">\u003cbr>\n PLEASE NOTE:\u003cbr>\n \u003cbr>\n To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just\n across the street.\u003cbr>\n \u003cbr>\n The first floor has wives that love sex.\u003cbr>\n \u003cbr>\n The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.\u003cbr>\n \u003cbr>\n The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited  \u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003c/b>\u003cfont size\u003d"1">\u003cspan style\u003d"font-size:8.0pt">\u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003c/p>\n \u003c/td>\n \u003c/tr>\n\u003c/table>\n\n\u003cp>\u003cfont size\u003d"1" face\u003d"Times New Roman">\u003cspan style\u003d"font-size:8.0pt"> \u003cfont color\u003d"navy">\u003cspan style\u003d"color:navy">\u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003c/span>\u003c/font>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\n\n\n",0]
);

//–>
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

139

[QUOTE=robgleave] A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice”, she thinks, "but I want more."So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help  with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited Â

[/QUOTE]

So very true and very funny

140

Could be on floor 6, (apart from the drop dead gorgeous bit), but also shop and cook. Have also been married for 35 years. I wonder why?
Cheers, Gerry.