Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
101

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?-He gets bigger.

102

Am just printing this off, my wife is a nurse and your PR medication and thermometer will be in the post, you have been warned.
G.

103

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
asked if I’d ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter
threesome

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:



“Mum you still awake?”

104

The old ones are the best, jokes I mean.

105

You can’t beat a bit of experiance.
So they tell me?

106

Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15:
    Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

  2. July 2:
    Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7:
    Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

  4. July 19:
    Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3” in housewares… and watched what happened.

  5. August 14:
    Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

  6. September 15:
    Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

  7. September 23:
    When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

  8. October 4:
    Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

  9. November 10:
    While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

  10. December 3:
    Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

  11. December 6:
    In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

  12. December 18:
    Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

  13. December 21:
    When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”

And last, but not least:

  1. December 23:
    Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”
107

Have you heard about the new Viagra eye-drops?

They make you look hard!

108

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco’s…

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time,

But that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

109

I have a sh-t memory for most jokes but that Winalot one is one I must try to remember, rather funny.

110

Whats is a farmer’s biggest problem if he plants a field of dildos?

Squatters!!!

111

Found this today!!!

Wits

Dear Abby:

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs … Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked up her cell hone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and scramed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth but, last night, she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Guzzi next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. I t was at that moment, crouching beside my Guzzi, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to leaking a little oil.

I this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Anon
wits2007-05-25 00:03:27

112

A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write out a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer…“great” she sighs…"some arshole got mt pen.
Wits

113

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer

The taste!!!

Wits
Got my coat and out the door!!

114

Jethro and Denzel were walking in the country one evening, and Denzel was complaining about chapped lips. “Well,” says Jethro, “What you gotta do is kiss a cow’s backside.”

“Will that cure it?” said Denzel, “No, but it stops you licking them!”

PS Jethro is actually a cousin of mine by marriage (we’re all related down that way)

115

A friend of mine (a GP) got his first job in a practice in Norwich. He noticed many of the patients’ notes had NN written on them. Eventually he asked a senior practitioner what that meant. “Normal for Norwich” came the reply.

116

Is this true???

117

I wouldn’t be at all surprised. My sister used to be a doctor and before the government inisted thel oonies took over the asylum and everyone is allowed to look at their own files she told me of similar comments by other colleagues in her practice.

The best one I heard, in a similar(ish) sort of vein, was years ago when a guy I knew was marking some six formers’ physics homework. The teacher had previously had a short term commission in the RAF and was not enjoying teaching much. On one particlluar poor piece of work he sighed deeply with exasperation and wrote: ‘NAFAI’. When I enquired what it meant, he told me. ‘No ambition and **** all interest’. I have found it has come in useful fairly frequently in my career…

118

To the best of my knowledge, yes.

119

From the font of all knowledge comes “FAW” (f++k all wrong) and “FLK” (funny looking kids). Apparently nurses have a very wide ranging vocabulary.
G.

120

Also used
LOB: load of bllo*ks
WFT: waste of fking time

On we use alot is ““Telford Positive””

Wits