Reminds me of the joke about a woman who bumps into a old school friend after 25 years or so, “Hello Debbie how are are you doing? " Fine Wendy I am married with two kids, one of each a boy and a girl, hows about you? “I have three kids one of each” " how do you work that out?” " simple one boy, one girl, and a hairdresser"northwest2007-04-14 23:32:24
In the forest all the animals agree a “safe” zone in the area used as “toilet”.
One morning after a very serious party at the foxes den Mr Bear was having a pretty rough time when along came Mr Rabbitt.
“ohhh says Mr Bear what a party uuuggghh” he looks at Mr Rabbit and asks " Hey Rabbit! do you find that when you get the runs the S_it sticks to your fur?"
“Oh yeah” ses the Rabbit " It’s awfull"
“Oh Good” ses the Bear, picking up the Rabbit
( Wipes his ass)
Later on going down the Forest path is an ape, As he passes a bush a Huge hairy arm grabs the ape by the throat and pulls it into the bushes. There is howling and a commotion and the ape is ejected back on to the path it runs off declairing “oh i’m a raped ape!”
Then later on a bear is walking down the path, as it passes the bushes, arm comes out grabs the bear … commotion and growling and squealing then the bear is ejected, Off it goes proclaiming and wailing “I’m a ruined Bruin!”
In the afternoon along comes a Duck… As it passes the bushes the arm shoots out grabbing the hapless duck, feathers fly but it is ejected almost straight away qwacking loudly " It’s all a mistake I’m a Drake!!!"
(The old 'uns are the good un’s)
A guy’s sitting in a bar having a drink.
All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him,licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he’s a little annoyed,
But doesn’t say anything.the next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. five minutes later, it happens again. this time he yells at him to stop. ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don’t quit I’m gonna rip your balls off!". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, “How do you screw?!!”
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
And I weigh just a little more than you.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straig ht out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
- They live here. You don’t.
- If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it "fur"niture.)
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
- To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:-
Eat less
-
Don’t ask for money all the time
-
Are easier to train
-
Normally come when called
-
Never ask to drive the car
-
Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
-
Don’t smoke or drink
-
Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
-
Don’t want to wear your clothes
-
Don’t need a “gazillion” dollars for college.
And finally, -
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
-
A
man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied,
“You’re
in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60
degrees west longitude.” “You must be in IT,” said the balloonist. “Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,”
answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically
correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If
anything, you’ve delayed my trip.” The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,”
said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!!!..”
Harold is 95 and lives in a Old Persons Home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short
lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you
know what I miss most of all?”
“What?”, she asks.
“Sex!!” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a
gun to your head!”
“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
it for a while.”
Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizens Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s
manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
“Parkinson’s.”
For those who are partial to a little drop of Rum.
Be aware that there are two types.
The British rum, or Navy rum, made in the British West Indies, and designed to make the British sailors fight when they didn’t want to.
Then you have the French rum, made in the French West Indies, and designed to make the french girls not fight when they did want to.
One day Gunther complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the chemist that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10.”
Gunther figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the chemist. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making
some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out
popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
:: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. ::
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction.
He went back to the chemist, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise
and printed out the following message:
::Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better. ::
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop
up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to 5hit yourself when I tell you the price.”
AndySwad2007-04-28 14:40:52
Blonde Jokes;
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”
Heard about the latest thing from MFI?
Suppository furniture…you put it up yourself.
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?>>>> For some time many of us have
wondered just who is Jack Schitt?>>>> We find ourselves at a
loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack >> Schitt!’ Well, thanks
to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in >> an intellectual
way.>>>> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe
Schitt, the fertilizer >> magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.>>>>>> They had one son,
Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The >> deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva >> Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip >>
Schitt.>>>> Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt
married Dumb Schitt, a >> high school dropout. After being married 15
years, Jack and Noe >> Schitt divorced.>> Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were >> living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then >> known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.>>>>>> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt
married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son >> with a rather nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the >> other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable >> throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in >> a dual
ceremony.>>>> The wedding announcement in the newspapers
announced the >> Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, >> Byrd,and>
Horse.>>>>>> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left
home to tour the world. He >> recently returned from Italy with his
new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.>>>> Now when someone says,
‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct >>
them.>>>> Sincerely,>> Crock
O. Schitt>>
Excellent
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and
a loser at the same time.—If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on
to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for
that.—You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you
murmur to yourself: “Sh*t, I wasn’t listening… Self-raising?”—I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was “Shout For Help”.—A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom
aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, Well, you see that 3-pack? That`s for when you`re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then
asks his father, What`s the 6-pack for? The father replies, Well, that`s for when you`re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is
for. The father replies, Well, that`s for when you`re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....
webmistress2007-05-03 22:45:15
Two nuns were walking in a park, when a streaker ran past.
What a shock for them both, one of them had a stroke.
The other couldn’t reach.
Why’s the nurse got a thermometer in her mouth?
I think its like the Stelvio’s front indicators.
Did you hear about the Irish nurse who thought that a cubicle was a square testicle??
Or,
Matron leaves the Irish nurse in the cubicle to do a minor op on an out-patient. When she comes back, the man is screaming his head off. She rushes into the cubicle and says:
“No, no, no, Nurse…I told you to prick his boil!”