Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
61

Let us not speak of spotted dick.

62

Have you been looking at my medical records???

63

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very

short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location
of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“Id like some raisin bread please”, the man says politely. The female clerk
nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on
the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is
provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves
as he’s having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking
quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch
the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for
raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going
to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd
staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly
man, “Is yours raisin too?”

“No,” croaks the old man “… But its startin to twitch.”

64

Unavoidable Laws

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe…

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

  2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool or small part, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

  3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

  4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

  5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

  6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

  7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

  8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

  9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

  10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

  11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

  12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

  13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

  14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

  15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

  16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

17.Law, If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18.Law A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19.Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

65

What about a few ‘one-liners’, then?

66

LIKE

67

Well, I didn’t want to go first. I am shy, you see?

68

A few old chestnuts:

The mother-in-law slept like a log last night…her head was in the fireplace.

They spoilt a nice ar*e when they put teeth in your face.

You’re drunk!
Yes and you’re ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning!

Is that about the level we’re aiming at?

69

The fourth one being a Churchill quote, as in (when he had a visitor he didn’t like), tell my lord that I am on the privvy, and that I can only deal with one sh1t at a time.

And-
Sir you smell,
Madam YOU smell, I stink.

70

On dealing with hecling, one stand-up comedian was heard to say:

‘I bet you never learnt to swim…couldn’t keep your ****ing mouth shut long enough!’

71

Nice heckle once heard, “you must be an aristocrat, a Count even, with the o missing”

72

A little boy and girl were best friends at primary school, but the little boy was always jealous that his friend always had things he didn’t, her parents were always buying her things, his parents were more like me, mean.
However, to get back to the story, one day in sheer exasperation, he dropped his shorts and said to her “I bet you havent got one of these”.
Immediately she did the same, and said “No, but I have one of these, and Mummy tells me that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want”

73

Groucho Marx was doing a rather long and boring interview on tape for the Bill Cosby show and was asked by Cosby " Tell me, Groucho, do you have any unfulffilled ambitions? “yes” said Groucho "to end this interview"Groucho again,He was doing a interview for his own show and was talking to a woman who had a lot of children, Groucho Marx , " Who many children do you have? Woman, " Twelve GM “Twelve kids well whats quite a habit your husband has” W “well everyone has habits Groucho, you have that silly cigar of yours” GM “yes but at least I take it out once in a while”

74

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more!!!

75

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How the hell do you breathe through that??”

76

This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn’t pull me out of the path of that freakin’ truck?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”





Nigel
(from A Deauville forum)

77

Q: What’s got four legs and one eye?

A: A chair and half a pig’s head.

78

Bubba Had Shingles"

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this!

Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line??

Here’s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said “Shingles.”
So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked, “Where?”
Bubba said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??”

79

A man goes into the optician, carring what looks like a very big clarinet case. He puts it down onto the counter, and the optician says “Can I help you, sir?”.
“Yes” says the man, “I was wonering if you could help me with this.”,

at which point he opens the case to reveal an enormous tu*d;

Te optician recoils with disgust, saying “Excuse me, sir…but I am an Optician. How could I possibly help you with that???”.
“Well” says the man, “I was hoping that you could…because every time I do one of these, my bloody eyes water!”

80

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy he started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. …What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my
son
and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends”