Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
41

abacas sell furniture???

42

No, that’s Ikeas.

43

The monkey is doing the actions to the punchline of the “better mousetrap joke”

The one where an upturned sawblade is fitted to the mousetrap. For several days large choice pieces of cheese are placed on the far side of the trap. The mouse pokes his head out of the hole, stretches his neck over the blade & eats the cheese. Once he’s conditioned to this practise, the mousetrap is placed outside the hole, minus the cheese.
The mouse, expecting another meal stretches his neck out over the blade and looks from side to side saying “Oy!, where’s me bl**dy cheese th…”

Nigel
(It’s cold, it’s dark & not a fit evening for riding)

44

was just checking some info and came across these true wartime snippets.

“German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.”


" Among the first “Germans” captured at Normandy were several Koreans.

They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured
by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were
captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they
were captured by the US Army."


“.It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a
tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different
ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target, 80%
of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he
was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of
loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were
out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the
enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly
double and their loss rate go down.”




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45

[QUOTE=N2-UK] The monkey is doing the actions to the punchline of the “better mousetrap joke”
Â
The one where an upturned sawblade is fitted to the mousetrap. For several days large choice pieces of cheese are placed on the far side of the trap. The mouse pokes his head out of the hole, stretches his neck over the blade & eats the cheese. Once he’s conditioned to this practise, the mousetrap is placed outside the hole, minus the cheese.
The mouse, expecting another meal stretches his neck out over the blade and looks from side to side saying “Oy!, where’s me bl**dy cheese th…”
Â
Â
Nigel
(It’s cold, it’s dark & not a fit evening for riding)[/QUOTE]


This is a mousetrap
URL=http://gprime.net/video.php/theratman]Mousetrap[/URL]

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46

ass sizes.

Women’s Ass size study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

  1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too
    big.

  2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is
    too small.

  3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care;
    they love him; he’s a good man and they
    would have married him anyway.

47

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arranged them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?” She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying ther e together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says…



“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

48

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

“Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Goldstein, “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

“Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”



(You gotta love this!!!)



"Well, he replied, “Today’s the viewing.”

49

Did you hear about the Irish nurse who thought that a cubicle was a square testicle?

50

May your testicles turn square and fester at the corners.
(Old Danish friendly greeting).

51

OOOOER! I think they’ve already done that!

52

Tasteful pictures required, or not.

53

I could submit a sketch if required…

54

I thought they normally spoke danish amongs themselves.

55

Mr Goldstein dies so the Rabbi tells Mrs Goldstein to announce it in the obituaries in the Jewish Times. She is a bit concerned about the price, but the Rabbi tells her not to worry as it is only £5 per word. So she phones the paper and says i want to put an announcement in the obituaries “Goldstein dead”
“That will be £25” says the girl at the Jewish Times
“Why? i thought it was £5 per word” says mrs Goldstein
“Well we have a minimum charge of £25, you could have 3 more words for the same price”
Quick as a flash Mrs Goldstein says “That’s ok can i change it to
Goldstein dead, Volvo for sale”

56

Two Chavs are riding along the motorway from Chavchester to Chavpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the chavs ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he’s late for his delivery so he tells the chavs he has to leave. “R hey mate” they say “init givus a lift”.

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The chavs put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Chav Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

" I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Chav eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".


Nigel

57

Why do Jewish women use gold condoms? Beacause they like their husbamnds to come into money.

58

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. The 80-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went ‘bang, bang’. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”
The 80-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

59

The West Bromwich Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction from the by-laws, when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

“That’s nothing,” said the manager, “you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!”

60

Good job Porridge isn’t on the menu, then.