Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
361

If you read it with an Aussie accent it is even funnier

362

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’

‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

‘The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules.’

The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’ ‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’

‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.






‘I’d like her,’ he said.


‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’

363

John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens called “pullets” and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. But that took an awful lot of his time, so Farmer John bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

364

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

HERE IS THE OUTGOING MESSAGE…

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it.

and

am a teacher…trust me…it is too close to the truth…lmao

now if i could only really send these out…

  1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  7. This child has been working with glue too much.

  8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

  11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

365

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line…

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where’s the pain.

Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Please)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it’s a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole

The Manchester United Condom… One Yank and your whole world falls apart.

366

HOME REMEDIES

  1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic! Simply pour a cup of
    boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
    instantly removed.

  2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
    getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

  3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply
    using the sink.

  4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

  5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
    will be afraid to cough.

  7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
    forget about the toothache.

367

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Aussie fumed, ‘What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!’
The Indian Doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’
The Chinese Businessman called out ‘Move it, time is money’
The Catholic Priest said, ‘Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.’
‘Hello, George!’, said the Catholic Priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’
George the greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The Indian Doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.’
The Chinese Businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls’
The Aussie said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?’


368

The ASDA Wal-Mart Cat…

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and

accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,

which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat,

along with the tail,

over to ASDA WAL-MART!

Why ASDA WAL-MART,

You ask???




HELLOOOOOOOOO!




ASDA WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

369

A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.A reporter from the NY Times saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said,‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’ ‘Why, it was nothing,’ said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’ 'I noticed an enamalled badge on your Leather Jacket,’ said the journalist. ‘Yeah, I am a member of a “Moto Guzzi Club”,’ the biker replied. ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. As a journalist with the NY Times, you know, we always print the truth, and tomorrow’s papers will have this heroic story on the front page.’ The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline:“GUZZI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”.

Wits

wits2008-07-05 15:48:08

370

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts ‘this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!’, and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts… ‘Did anybody else here see my face?’.


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner…

.



.


.


.


‘I think my missus caught a glimpse…’

371

[QUOTE=wits]
A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.A reporter from the NY Times saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said,‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’ ‘Why, it was nothing,’ said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’ 'I noticed a patch on your jacket,’ said the journalist. ‘Yeah, I ride with a Israeli motorcycle club,’ the biker replied. ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. As a journalist with the NY Times, you know, we always print the truth, and tomorrow’s papers will have this heroic story on the front page.’ The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline:“ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”. [/QUOTE]
Why an Israeli? It would be just the same joke if it was any biker gang member, unless I’m missing something. The Israeli bit adds nothing to it and just makes it confusing because one thinks the Israeli reference somehow is part of the humour, but I can’t see it.

Any ideas?Londoner2008-07-05 10:20:05

372

[quote
“ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”. [/quote]
Why an Israeli? It would be just the same joke if it was any biker gang member, unless I’m missing something. The Israeli bit adds nothing to it and just makes it confusing because one thinks the Israeli reference somehow is part of the humour, but I can’t see it.

Any ideas?[/quote]

Sorry londoner if if it’s caused you any offence.

The joke I think is not pointed at an bike gang/club, just at the way press report and the headlines they can get away with!!!

Regards
Wits wits2008-07-05 15:54:35

373

…Sorry londoner if if it’s caused you any offence.

The joke I think is not pointed at an bike gang, just at the way press report and the headlines they can get away with!!!

No offence, I’m not commenting on the nationality, just querying the structure of the joke. I understand it but the Israeli bit is not relevant because the press report doesn’t actually twist the fact that it was an Israeli biker, that bit of it is true. Therefore it adds nothing but detracts from the punchline because a listener expects there to be something additionally funny in the nationality and there isn’t.

It works much better if you just call the person a biker gang member.

Londoner2008-07-05 15:59:09

374

Tipton John liked to frequent the Swimming Cut but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy for advice.
‘It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool…
They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!’
The following weekend, John hits the swimming Cut with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming cut was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
John went back to his buddy Billy and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’
‘Lard-Almighty John!’ said Billy, ‘the tater goes in the front!’

375

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN’T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I’LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND’S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN’T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .

SOME TI ME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOTTEN HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD…

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS, WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

HE SAID, ‘HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT, ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU.’

‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN?’ ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTIN G MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED! BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

376

This letter was recently sent by a Supermarket’s Head Office to a customer.

Dear Mrs.senior,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in question is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband(davesenior) stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares… and watched what happened.

  5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    \

  6. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

    \

  7. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

  8. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

  9. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna
    look’ using different size funnels.

  10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’

  11. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’


    And; last, but not least:

  12. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’


    Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

377

www.nothingtodo.co.uk/view/1337/bad-parents.html

Just love this clip
Wits

378

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can’t do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, “pooh, I must have killed the biker”.

379

I was walking through the cemetery this morning when i saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said ‘morning’ -‘no’ he replied, just having a sh*t

380

An every day scene of events in our house!