I’ve been reading The Times for thirty years and I’m very tired.
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING…!!!
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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!
A Bunch of Davids
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.
“They’re all named David?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
How many Feminists does it take to change a light-bulb?Who cares, as long as they’ve all got big t*ts!!!
Council complaints from around the country. These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
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My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
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He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
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It’s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
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I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
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I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
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And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
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I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
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I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
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Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
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I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
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50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
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I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
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The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
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Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
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Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
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I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
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The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
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Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
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I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
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Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
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I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
two lesbians decide to build a house but cant decide what material to build it from… the finally settled on tounge and groove
Husband says to wife “my olympic condoms have arrived. I think i’ll wear gold tonight”. Wife replies " why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change!"
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 nokias’, 3 samsungs and a motorola. - No siemen was found.
Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional)
double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:
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- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator - 'And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!’
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves
it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’
3. Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really
lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- 'Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.’
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold
Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them … Oh my
god!! What have I just said??’
6. Carenza Lewis - about finding food in the Middle Ages
on ‘Time Team Live’ said: 'You’d eat beaver if you could
get it!’
7. A female news anchor who, the days after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and
asked, 'So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me
last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - 'Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69 yesterday.’
9. Clair Frisby - talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North said: 'There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside
you on a cold night like this.’
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses
every chance he gets.’
11. Michael Buerk - on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle
up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK
eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there,
they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his
shorts.’
12. Ken Brown - commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he
prefers to do it by himself.
Wits
Following the problems in the sub-prime market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK,
uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days the famous Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.
Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal…
He wouldn’t have got much warmth from her. Real cold fish when I worked with her.
One of the funnier written ones was done by a friend of mine.
An official apology had to be broadcast by the BBC, ordered by the complaints commission. I think the programme was Panorama.
They had to apologise about an accusation made about Frank Field MP who had been on a fact finding mission to Argentina, the typed version said - and whose accounts for that trip should be open to pubic scrutiny.
We thought this version was perhaps the more accurate.Brian UK2008-09-24 09:49:48
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows making whooppee.
The new bride asks, ‘What are them cows up to honey?’
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, ‘Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!’
She replies, ‘Oh, I see!‘After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses making whooppee.Again the bride asks, ‘What are them horses doing honey?’
The husband answers again, ‘Them horses, they’re roping!’
She replies, ‘Oh, I see!’
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s member.‘Oh my!’ she cries, ‘What is that?’’
Well, darlin’’ he chuckles proudly, ‘That’s ma’rope!’
She slides her hands down further and gasps, ‘Oh my goodness! What are those?’ she asks.’
Honey, those’re my knots!’ he answers.Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, ‘Stop honey, wait a minute!’
Her husband, panting a little, asks, ‘What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?’’
No,’ the bride replies, ‘undo them damn knots, I need more rope!’
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
‘Quick, quick!’ shouts Sister Catherine. ‘What shall we do?’
‘Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,’
says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula
about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
‘What shall I do now?’ she shouts.
‘Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water
at the Vatican ,’ says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
‘Now what?’ shouts Sister Catherine
‘Show him your cross,’ says Sister Helen.
‘Now you’re talking,’ says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, ‘Get the f**k off the car!’
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk
of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, ‘This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?’
The old man grinned and said, ‘You got to keep the old motor running.’
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth
of their second child. The same nurse was attending
the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, ‘Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?’
The old man grinned and said, ‘You gotta keep the old motor running.’
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, ‘Well, you surely are something else!
How do you do it?’
The old man replied, ‘It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.’
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one’s black.’
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.Last
week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’’ 'Well, 'he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’ As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By
tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’ ‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’
Nice one!
Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes: Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG MONEY.
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
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Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
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FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
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Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
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Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
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Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally
- Anne Summers and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
THESE INDIVIDUAL quoteS WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS IN A LARGE U.S. CORPORATION
- “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
- “His men would follow him anywhere . . …but only out of morbid curiosity.”
- “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
- “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be.’”
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
- “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
- “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
- “This young lady had delusions of adequacy.”
- “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
- “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “This employee should go far . . …and the sooner he starts, the better.”
- “Has a full 6-pack - but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
- “A gross ignoramus–144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
- “He certainly takes a long time to make things pointless.”
- “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
- “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
- “He’s been working with glue too much.”
- “He would argue with a signpost.”
- “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
- “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
- “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
- “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, . … . he’s the other one.”
- “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
- “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
- “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
- “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
- “Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
- “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
- “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
- “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
- “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”
- “One neuron short of a synapse.”
- “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge . . .he only gargled.”
- “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
- “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
Nice one!I’m worried about household pet obesity & lack of fitness.To start a new exercise regime, I took my golfish out of its’ tank and put it on the lawn.My suspicions were confirmed - unfit! It only managed 3 sit-ups.