I was on the 74 bus goin to West Bromwich this morning sat next to a woman with a baby.
She said, "Do you mind if I breast feed?"I said, “No, but don"t suck my nipple too hard”.
As I was ushered to a private office, this snotty French customs officer threw my passport at me and barked,
“Occupation?”
“No you (@&£, just here for a holiday.” I replied.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERSâ€:
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“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.â€
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“It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.â€
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“On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.â€
\ -
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.â€
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“The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.â€
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“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.â€
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“They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.â€
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“No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.â€
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“Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.â€
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“We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.â€
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“The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.â€
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“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.â€
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“I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.â€
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“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.â€
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“There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.â€
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“We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.â€
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“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.â€
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“I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.â€
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“My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.â€
Was going to buy the new Nigella Lawson cook book for a Chrimbo prezzie but the recipes are a bit short, only a few lines every page.
Popped into boots chemist today for some KY jelly,When i got to the checkout i asked the check out girl if it had been tested on Animals.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report: Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he. He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee…
A Petrol station owner in downtown Great Bridge was trying to increase his sales because of the ASDA. He put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon Harry pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Harry guessed eight, and the proprietor said, “‘you were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, Harry, along with his friend Jack, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. Harry guessed two this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Jack said to Harry, “I think that game is rigged and no one wins any free sex.”
Harry replied, “Not so, Jack. It is not rigged.
My wife won three times last week.”
I have decided to sell my dogging gear on ebay , no bids yet but there are 10 people watching
The Fairy & The Immigrant
A beautiful fairy godmother appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
‘My good man,’ the fairy said,
‘I’ve been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.’
The man told the fairy:
‘Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.’
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and – PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
‘What else?’ asked the fairy, ‘two, more wishes, to go’.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
‘One more wish left for you’, said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.’
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
‘What happened to my new teeth?’ he wailed.
‘Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?’
The fairy said:
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you’re entitled to
Sweet f***-all like the rest of us.
And she disappeared !
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they’re asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a litre.”
If you don’t know GOD,
don’t make stupid remarks!
A young Canadian paratrooper was taking some college
courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours
of duty in Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA).
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"GOD, if you are
real, then I want you to knock me off this platform
… I’ll give you exactly 15 min."
The lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
“Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier
got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-
cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform.
The professor was out cold.
The young soldier went back to his seat and sat there
silently. The other students were shocked and stunned,
and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken,
looked at the soldier and asked,
"What in the world is
the matter with you?
Why did you do that?"
The young soldier stood up and calmly replied,
"GOD was too
busy today protecting soldiers, who are protecting your right
to say stupid crap and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
The classroom erupted in cheers!
How many of us know Ron?
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.
When I retired a few years ago,
it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job,
along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening.
I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this,
as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days.
That way, she won’t have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points…
When doing simple jobs,
she seems to think she needs more rest periods…
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man…
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me, too. .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder…
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defence that Ron,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
Well he’d have had a much less painful death if he hadn’t resisted eating the poisonous mushrooms.
Proof that some Canadian can be stupid.Also the type of action that got the Canadian Paras disbanded in disgrace in 2005. Basicaly I can now sit back and let you win my atguement for me.Ta muchly.Now, got any funnies?Thought not.
iandunmore2013-12-16 09:49:41
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’
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And some people wonder why I don’t have a pc at home.Still got a nice new header tank to replace the old leaking zinc one.
You just dont get IT do you,Jokes section.
I despair with some folks.
Gone fishing.
Humour is a very personal thing, what one person may think hilarious, another probably won’t. Both are entitled to their respective opinions.
I think Ian was using dry wit Liked the joke