Jokes section, may not be totally PC

General Discussion General Banter
701

Mike H2013-10-24 16:13:41

702

Bloke just knocked on my door, I opened it and he was about 3ft 3" tall.
I said “who are you”? He said “I’m the meter man”.

703

Andy Coulson - filling ‘red tops’ with column inches since 1998

704

I called the Weight loss company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.


The next day, there’s
a knock on the door and there stands before me a
voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.


She introduces herself
as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, ‘If
you can catch me, you can have me.’


Without a second
thought, I took off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, I
finally gave up.


The same girl shows up
for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I
weighed myself and am delighted to find
I lost 10 lbs. as
promised.


I called the
company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there’s a
knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is
wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads,

‘If you catch me you
can have me’.


Well, I’m out the door
after her like a shot.


This girl is in
excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.

So for the next four
days, the same
routine happens and
I’m gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to my delight on
the fifth day when I weigh myself, I
discover that I have
lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
So I decide to go for
broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program.


“Are you sure?”
asks the representative on the phone. “This is our
most rigorous
program.”


“Absolutely,” I reply,
“I haven’t felt this good in years.”


The next day there’s a
knock at the door; and when I open it find
a huge muscular guy
standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, “If I catch you,… you’re
mine.”


I lost 63 pounds that
week.


Signed,
Skinny
Hugo

706

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.” “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

708

Police searching for escaped terror suspect Mohammed Ahmed Mohamed, have confirmed that they’ve arrested 4 ninjas, 15 postboxes and Batman …

709

Can you imagine the conversation on the Indian Spacecraft…Calcutta we have a problem…Please hold…Your call is important to us…!!!

710

They can’t have arrested batman… 'Superheroes' nab attacker in Musselburgh Tesco - BBC News Reminds me of that Only Fools and Horses episode.

711

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. However, he did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

712

SAINSBURY CAR PARK SCAM - BEWARE! Sainsbury’s car park . Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends! Here’s how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!! Happy Shopping!

714

Yep

715

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his ‘manhood’ into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over though, he quickly realized
that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member’…

He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
‘Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?’

‘Don’t worry,’ replied the customer service rep, ‘The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons.’
Have a nice day…*

716

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger
seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.’

 After a few more minutes, they came to another

intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light
had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing
it. She was getting nervous.

 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was

red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us
both!’

 Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I

driving?’















































































































































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717

Hi, Try these two links. The three bells had me laughing outloud in the office: Three Bells

http://youtu.be/5748lK9HpOg Fiery Irn Bru

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LcHFkXmCb8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Nigel

718

more irn bru:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfPpmbg-JYM

719

Two jewish homosexuals in bed together. One says “Heimie, turnover” - the other says “about £75million last year”

720

A bloke from Oxford went into a shop and asked for …1 sausage,1 egg and 1 mushroom,…the shop keeper said “you live on your own” the bloke from Oxford replyed “yes,how do you know ?”,the shop keeper said “because your a ugly bugger”