“Look what I made Grandad,” said my 8-year-old granson.
“What is it?” I replied.
“I made a pair of binoculars out of toilet rolls.”
“Just bloody great,” I replied, holding up my iPhone, “and this is what 8-year-old’s in China make!”
2013 Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here Is The Glorious Winner:
- When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
-
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
-
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
-
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
-
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6… A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
-
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
-
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from."
-
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
-
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family… unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Remember
They walk among us, they can reproduce.
Seems to be a repeat of 2005 list. Funny read though.
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny…
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer,
so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to B & Q.”
I then said,“Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins?
Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice… Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Old People Rock!
And the Darwin awards.
Breakin News,!!!
Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up there backsides by dead BBC stars, Sooty and Sweep said the abuse went on for years with the full knowledge of BBC management.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”
“Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How in hell does that fit in here?” So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like ‘Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?’” The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”
The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?” “Me…is right here,” replies the old man.
“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”
“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, ‘What your name?’ He say,‘Hans Olaffsen.’ Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?’”
“I say Sem Ting.”
Roy Dolby: Ret in Peae
I’m going to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the PayPal.
lemon2013-09-27 18:15:53
I’ve been keeping an eye on a female friends house while shes been in hospital, opening curtains, switching lights on and the like.
She’s coming home this afternoon and I’m stuck at work, in a state of panic.
I can’t remember whether I closed her knicker drawer or not.
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WHY
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Job
Interview:
Human
Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man
: “Honesty.”
Human
Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Old Man
: “I don’t really give a f**k
what you think.”
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At the airport an obese man was told he will have to buy two seats. One in aisle 17 the other in aisle 19
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?â€
The girl replied in a loud voice: “NO! I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said, "I study psychology, and
I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?â€
The guy then responded in a loud voice, “£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!â€
Everyone in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”
\
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
“What’s that for?” the lady questions.
“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,
he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
‘What’s that ?’ the lady asks…
“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”
The man replies: “No, no…!!! CALM DOWN!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute.”
A minute! What is he, dead?
Ah that’s the LUDO - LLANDUDNO joke again.
I remember that when I were a lad.Brian UK2013-10-15 19:00:35
Another version of that joke, went to the bog the other day and stood at the great white wall next to a giant West Indian. I said to him “is that your girlfriends name tatoo’ed on your dick?” I could seen WENDY.“I’ve got SUE on mine” “No man, it says Wecome to Jamacia hope you ENjoy you holiDaY”
Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant
I finished the Oreo’s.
Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!
Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your own ice cream.
Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…
A Yorkshire guy and a Scouser go into Greggs the bakers.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire guy, “Did you see that? The staff never even saw me.”
The Yorkshire guy says, “That’s nowt mate, watch this.”
So the Yorkshire guy goes back into the shop and says to the manager, “Gi’us a pie and I’ll show thee some magic,” and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
The manager says, “So, where’s the magic in that?”
The Yorkshire guy says, “Go and check that Scouser’s pocket.”