Jokes section, may not be totally PC

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661

Subject: CARDIOLOGIST

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished,
it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make 24,000 a year and you make 1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.





“Try doing it with the engine running.”

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javahouse2013-06-21 11:37:30

663

^^^^^^^^^Damn near widdled myself laughing then!^^^^^^

664

A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender that he can give his dog 5 pounds and the dog will go out, get him the Times, and come back and give him the paper and his change.

The bartender takes the bet and he sends the dog out.

Half an hour passes - no dog… an hour… 2 hours… the guys is freaking out, he says, “I gotta go find my dog.”

He’s looking all over town until he finally finds the dog in an alley flucking a French poodle.

The guy say, “You never did anything like this before!” The dog replied, “Never had 5 pounds before.”

665

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. “Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?” “Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts. “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn. “Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, “Get the flick off our car!”

666

Parrot what parrot.

Anyway want a chuckle.Read the reviews

667

I thought parrots lived a long time, yours was a bit short lived…

668

Well it got moderated. Every time I right that word I hear it in a Cyberman voice in my head.
Apparently there was complaints from parrots everywhere.

669

I thought parrot’s usually rode Jap bikes! Oh well, the Guzzi marketing must be working.
Rob

670

Billy Connolly - “beige people” Warning: lots of ‘F’ words do not look if might cause offense http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbhuxWIxTgA

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[QUOTE=Mike H]

Billy Connolly - “beige people”  Warning: lots of ‘F’ words do not look if might cause offense  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbhuxWIxTgA    [/QUOTE]

People who work on Councils,In schools.Hospitals And the BBC are the worse,They just cannot call a spade a spade.

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The rules are quite specific about what you cannot post on this forum. For those who need reminding you can find them hereChris950s2013-07-22 17:08:33

673

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

674

-if this is about the Beigeism thing, I got bored after five minutes or so. That means it 's not really funny, though it was true it shouldn’t be on this thread for that reason, not the language, which is fairly warned about.

I loved the condom joke though. :smiley:

675

I Concurr

676

I could take it off, except Tony’s copied the link.

677

Can be deleted by the mods if you want!!

678

Sixty Nine Before Dentist Appt.

One day a man and his wife are 69ing when the man suddenly realizes he has a dentist appointment. He quickly stops and runs to the bathroom and starts to brush his teeth with loads of toothpaste. He then puts lots of mouthwash in his mouth and spits it out, then repeats the process.

He then gets a tone of minty spray and keeps spraying it in his mouth as he gets dressed. Before he runs out the house he grabs a packet of gum and chews the whole thing on the way to the dentist.

At the dentist he starts to devour a whole pack of mints as he waits for his appointment.

He then goes into the room and lies on the chair. After a few seconds of looking in his mouth the dentist says “You’ve been 69ing with your wife haven’t you?”

The man looks shocked and asks “How do you know?! Can you smell it on my breath?”

The dentist then says “Nope, you’ve got a skid mark on your forehead.”

679

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!

680

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
“What do you have in your pocket?”, she asked. "Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blond looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!”