A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks “Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber look around the shop and says “about 2 hours,” and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks…“how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around atshop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy stickshis head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says “about an hour and a half”. The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says “Hey, Joey, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where hegoes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,“this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
Joey says, “To your house!”
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?†The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.â€
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!†The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!†The Monkey looks down and says “FeCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?â€
My South African girlfriend is leaving me because I, “taught her son how to wink.”
She then assured me she was, “Never coming bick.”
Doctors
have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years
after it’s been eaten.It’s called a feckin Wedding Cake! 
…Chroist it’s a riot in here!..Ah, ah Ahhh, just love finding out the real meaning of ‘rofl’ …(pmsl)
My wife says I have only two faults.
I don’t listen and some other sh*t she was rattling on about.
A Scottish Love Story:
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-GB
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
An
elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting
up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a
happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing
on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a
scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a
wooden spoon …
F**k off she said, they’re for the funeral.
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:“Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:“Calibri”,“sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
I was in the pub last week with a few friends and was telling the old joke “What would you do if you saw someone having an epilectic fit in the bath” and the answer is “throw in the washing”.
We were laughing when this huge bloke taps me on the shoulder and said “I don’t think that’s funny, my brother died whilst having an epilectic fit in the bath”
“Oh sorry” I said, “Did he drown?”, “no” he replied "He choked on a sock"Duquois2013-03-04 14:08:11
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots…Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.
ITS A BOY" I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai
Brothel!!!
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both in hospital…one’s in a korma… The other’s got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper & lead
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ‘Wimbledon.’
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband,
I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’
Brian UK2013-03-20 22:54:03
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-GB
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Dinner Invitation
A man
invites his friend back home for dinner. The wife screams at him .
. .“I’ve not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework,
not done the dishes & can’t be bothered with cooking! What the ****
did you invite him around for?”
“Cuz he’s thinking of getting married.”
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:“Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:“Calibri”,“sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-GB
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Police have found a book full of names of women Oscar
Pistorus intended to kill. They have called it Shinless List.
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:“Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:“Calibri”,“sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-GB
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
Tiger Woods &
Stevie Wonder are in a bar…
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but
I think I’ve got that fixed, now.”
Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.”
Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”
Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Tiger: “But – you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”
Stevie: “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice.”
“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.
“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice.”
Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie: “Actually – I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round
sometime.”
Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”
Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that; OK, I’m game.
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”
Stevie: “Pick a night.”
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:“Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:“Calibri”,“sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
Remember: White smoke = new pope; Black smoke = still burning hard drives
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, trembling in anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that Her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it`s Lent."Almost in tears, she retorted What! Who to!.. And For how Bliddy long You useless bastard!
I just googled "Missing mediaval servant"It came up as page not found…
After having been refused entry to heaven Margaret Thatcher was sent to hell.Shortly afterwards the devil phones St Peter and tells him he has take her as she has already closed down half the furnaces
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith
and for her boldness in talking about it. She
would stand on her front porch and shout
“PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would
get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she
prayed for GOD to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE
THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING
A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!”
The next morning the lady went out on her
porch and noted a large bag of groceries and
shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and
said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”
The lady started jumping up and down and
clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE
LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He
made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-GB
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
The moral of auntie Sharon.A
teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One
time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’
‘What’s the morale of that story?’ asked the teacher.
‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’
‘Very good,’ said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ‘Our family are farmers too. But we
raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t
count your chickens before they’re hatched’.’
‘That was a fine story Sarah.’
Michael, do you have a story to share?’
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.’
‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?’
‘Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she’s pissed.’
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:“Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:“Calibri”,“sans-serif”;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:“Times New Roman”;
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}