A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a black-haired smiling man.
“Hi there little girl, I’m Labour leader Ed Miliband What do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.
How old are they?" asked Miliband.
Suzy replied, “They’re so young, their eyes aren’t even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“Labour supporters,” answered Suzy with a smile.
Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his
PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that Ed should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the footpath with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV , Sky News and Channel 4.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They’re Conservative supporters.”
Taken by surprise, Miliband stammered, “But…but…yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
Nuns
A coach load of nuns have a collision with a lorry and all the
nuns die. They stand in a queue at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks the first nun if at any time she has come into
contact with a penis. She replies that when She was younger, She
once touched the tip of a penis with her finger. Saint peter
tells her to put her hand in the font containing holy water, and
then she can pass through the pearly gates into the kingdom of
heaven.
He asks the next nun the same question; she replies that she once
stroked a penis when she was younger. Saint Peter tells her to
put her whole arm in the font so that she too can pass into the
kingdom of heaven
All of a sudden Sister Mary pushes her way to the front of the
queue. Saint Peter asks her what’s going on, she replies,
“If I have to gargle the holy water, I want to do so before
Sister Julie sticks herbottomin it”
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church
and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
.One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
.DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
.As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!”
.From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
.Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.”
.“Yaa,” Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,
“Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, . ‘Bridge Out?’”
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying,
“No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Cameron and said,
“How about you Mr. Cameron?”
Cameron replied,
“Go ahead, my wife wouldn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like”
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
Good question, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
“What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?”
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them
back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free
box of bread-wafers.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the “know-it-all” Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do
with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick!”
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me
too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve
farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here in your office. You
didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”
The doctor says,
“I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week”.
The next week the lady returns.
“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly”.
“Good,” the doctor said. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup. “What’s the situation?”
“A big fat black fellah is dancing on a car roof.”
“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator,
“You have to use the politically correct terminology”
“OK” he says
“Zulu…Tango…Sierra”
Once upon a time,
a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they
had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.
javahouse2014-02-03 12:56:45
Right at the end of a ‘Today’ programme on Radio 4 recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles: “That will be ten quid, mate”.“What?!” the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"The guy on the turnstile retorted, “Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn’t!”
Those perverts at the BBC just can’t help themselves can they?
My daughter logged onto the BBC news website and the first thing that came up on screen was “Do you accept cookies?”
I know a lot of people not so far removed from this forum who believe that bytes and cookies are both food related.
No Bytes was a tels tech at 12Armd Wksp in '78-79.Cookie was my driver '76-78.Obvious.
Ah, back when Centurion was a rank not a tank!
Or the youngsters come up to you and ask 'what was that Boudica business like?'And I answer ‘Idon’t know I was on leave for that job’.'No wonder it took so long to sort out ’ they quip back.
I wouldn’t normally but someone just sent me this - which seems to fit the ‘tone’ here:
One rainy night in Newcastle , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?†he stammered.
“ Walker Road “answered the woman.â€
“OK,†he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her & blurted, “Just what the hell are you looking at?â€
“Well Pet, I canna help noticing you’re completely naked & I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.â€
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does THIS answer your question?â€
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Have yer not got owt smaller?â€
BondEquipe2014-02-14 10:48:03
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day… And then 2 days.
And then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said…
“OK, I give up. Where’s the flipping ship?”
TWELVE PRIESTS
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
To line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
Beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told
That anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
Be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
Until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
Flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby
Foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
And bent over to pick it up…
Then all the other bells started to ring…
Bob says to Earl:
“I’m thinking about divorcing my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me for over two months.”
Earl replies:
“You’d better think it over Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”