Polski called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.”
“That’s terrible,” she replied, “Are they moving?”
“I’m not sure” Polski said, “But that would explain the suitcase!!”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
‘Well, it was like this,’ said the man. 'I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake."
‘What did you do?’, asks the doctor.
'Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours
My friend once worked in a pet shop, he got sacked because they caught him with his hands in thr trill
One day an man goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?”
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says the man.
“No, not at all,” says the chemist.
"Oh that’s a relief,"he says, "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Groupâ€.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up.
“B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”
“That’s no use, Trevor,” said the speech therapist.
“Who’s next?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
“P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
“That’s no better.
There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.â€
“How about you, Paddy?â€
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “London.”
“Brilliant, Paddy!†said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
“-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates,
St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the
Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
- The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
- And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial super computer,
typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours.”
deleted due to comment following.Mad Farquhar2014-04-12 19:48:53
Pretty boring drivel actually,wheres the joke?
Good point wheres the Joke,Was it one of mine???
I rather enjoyed it dude…guykate2014-04-13 21:54:48
Mustn’t upset the ex mod, he’s a bit touchy.
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?”
“Stay! Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
“Why don’t you just put the handbrake on’?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. (Steve Wright)Pop-up book of phobias …
I was furious when I found my wife’s profile on an on-line dating website.
That lying bitch isn’t, "Fun to be around
Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice t1ts,” says the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”
I suppose you could call it blind faith…